“I do believe; help my unbelief!”

Have you ever felt inclined to pray this prayer?

In Mark 9, a father is desperate. His son has suffered with demon possession since his childhood. He asks Jesus, “But if You can do anything, have compassion on us and help us.”

“If You can?” echoed Jesus. “All things are possible to him who believes!”

It is then that the father cries out, “I do believe; help my unbelief!” (Mark 9:22-24)

Is it possible to believe and still have unbelief?

Recently I picked up CS Lewis’ book, A Grief Observed. It is actually the journal he kept after his wife had died. I never expected that my favorite Christian author could be angry at God and wrestle with questions about Him. He begins his journey, “Why is He so present a commander in our time of prosperity and so very absent a help in time of trouble.”

But as I read on I realized that Lewis believed in God, but was struggling with unbelief as to God’s goodness and care for him personally:

“Not that I am (I think) in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not ‘So there’s no God after all,’ but ‘So this is what God’s really like. Deceive yourself no longer…’”

Through a painful process, Lewis dug deep into his soul. Ultimately, through the process of questioning and reflection, he was able to remember the moments in his life that God was clearly not only present, but good. He remembered those moments of blessings. Since he could not explain them away, he had to conclude that God is indeed good.

“God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn’t. In this trial He makes us occupy the dock, the witness box, and the bench all at once. He always knew that my temple was a house of cards. His only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down.”

During his pain, C.S. Lewis came face to face with the state of his faith. God had known it was fragile but he had not. The suffering brought him on a journey to see himself as God saw him. The journey allowed him to interact with God, and ultimately reaffirm His faith. And despite that God did not give Him all the answers to his questions—he could have peace simply because of the knowledge that God is good. God did indeed help him with his unbelief.

While there are many reasons that God allows suffering in our lives, this is one I had not fully appreciated. Perhaps God simply wants to bring us to the place where we go to Him and ask, “Lord, help me with my unbelief,” and then let Him work on our hearts, both to reveal more of who we are, and even more so, who He is.

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